Mary Gingles {BSO}
By Kate Johnson
On February 16, a tragedy struck our city. Three lives, those of Mary Gingles, 34, her father David Ponzer, 64, and a brave neighbor, Andrew Ferrin, 36, were lost. A 4-year-old girl, Seraphine, suffered multiple traumatic experiences no such little one should ever experience.
First, Seraphine lived in a home with violence. Every day, she did not know whether she or her mom would be safe. Then, when the father was gone, she lived under her mother’s fear and expectations of harm. If that weren’t enough, a parent who was to love and protect her, tragically killed her loving mother, grandfather, and neighbor in front of her. She was then kidnapped, surrounded by police, and brought to safety. But safety included being taken by and to people who were strangers. Every step of the way, there was trauma.
Her mother did the very best she could and took all the steps she could take to protect herself and her daughter. But the system failed them. What transpired last month has caused much pressing on my heart: sadness, frustration, and anger.
Sadness because three lives were taken way too soon, including a neighbor trying to help when other neighbors refused to open their doors. Would you have opened your door? I fear many will see this situation and think they are better leaving doors shut. Sadness because this sweet little girl will have much to overcome and I hope and pray she begins therapy immediately. She will need it as well as loving, patient arms around her. Her road is difficult, but can be mitigated with help and love.
I also feel frustration because there is so much misunderstanding about an issue that affects every single person. Is there anybody reading this who doesn’t know someone who has been affected by domestic abuse? We all do, and some of us have survived it.
And anger because more could have been done to stop this tragedy. So much more. To call it a systemic failure is an understatement.
Besides granting a restraining order, Broward Circuit Court Judge Lauren Alperstein also ordered Nathan Gingles, 43, to surrender his firearms, ammunition and any concealed weapons permits to the Broward Sheriff’s Office, when she signed the order on Dec. 30. He didn’t surrender them. And when BSO served him with the order, they did not confiscate his weapons and ammunition. Why not? Are they not aware that he was ordered to surrender his weapons? If not, why not? Failure. Would it have prevented this tragedy? It might have, but we will never know. Policies need to change.
Statistics
Domestic abuse is a prevalent issue. 28% of women experience physical violence in a relationship, and up to 50% experience some form of abuse. In teen dating relationships, the stats are higher, 30% experience violence. Men are affected as well. Some research suggests that 1 in 5 to 6 men experience violence in a relationship.
There is so much misunderstanding and attribution when it comes to domestic abuse. The cause of domestic abuse is not mental health issues, although 17% of abusive people have a diagnosable mental health disorder. It is also not drugs or alcohol, although there is a higher lethality when either is used.
The cause of domestic abuse is that one person wants control over another person and believes they have a right to have it. As we have seen in this tragic case, as control is lost, violence escalates. When we victim blame and tell someone to just leave, they are in 75% more danger if and when they leave than if they stay.
Victims are told to get a restraining order. Mary Gingles had one. It didn’t help, partially because his guns were not taken. Partially because he did not care about its existence. A restraining order or protection order is a piece of paper, not a bullet proof vest. We learned this the hard way in February.
If the abuser wants to follow a restraining order, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. They also learn they can violate them with no consequences. Gingles could have been arrested when he violated the order in December, but he was not. Again, system failure.
Sometimes, law enforcement does the right thing. In my case, a law enforcement friend convinced my husband to let him keep his guns, and I do believe that law enforcement officer probably saved my life.
That does not mean you should not leave, but do so with help, guidance from professionals who are trained in the issues of domestic abuse, and a plan.
Is there a solution?
Our society has yet to become a place where all individuals are treated with dignity and respect, as equals. This needs to change. It needs to change in the home, it needs to change in the workplace, and it needs to change in our communities.
We need systemic change, and we need policies where police confiscate the guns and do not wait for the perpetrator to turn them in. We need arrests to happen when orders are violated. We need to take this as serious as we do murder, because that may be the result. In addition, research shows arresting a perpetrator the very first time they are violent reduces recidivism. We must make systemic changes if this will ever stop.
I have done hundreds of trainings on this issue, to businesses, professionals, and churches, including to police departments and the FBI and stand ready to do so now. I offer my experience and expertise to assist any who want to learn more on how to become a place where victims and perpetrators can reach out for help.
What I continually hear from law enforcement when I train them is that they do not have enough training on this issue or realize how bad it can be for those living in it. They also often do not understand the core issues. They are trained on police work, but not survival behaviors or dynamics in the home or why telling them to cool off for the night does not solve the problem and often makes it worse. Victims like Mary Gingles and Gabby Petito know that all too well.
When I play a 911 call to law enforcement or licensed counselors, they immediately blame the victim. Many do. Why does she stay? Why does she let it happen? They believe she has a simple choice, stay or go. The reasons women stay are complex, but as in this case, they can also be deadly if they leave.
When you ask that question, you are victim blaming and shifting responsibility to the victim rather than on the perpetrator of the violence. However, it is the wrong question. The question is why does he think it is ok to do that? The abuser is solely responsible for their actions.
Please, if you are being victimized by domestic abuse, please reach out for help. If you are the one abusing, reach out for help.
Women in Distress of Broward County’s hotline number is 954.761.1133. They answer over 12,000 calls annually just in Broward county.
The Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.500.1119
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800.799.7233 (799.SAFE)
Teen Dating Violence Hotline 866.331.9474 or text loveis to 22522
No more violence, no more silence. Until all abuse is stopped, we must speak out.
Dr. Kate A. Johnson is a Licensed Mental Health Professional who specializes in treating victims of abuse and educating the community on its dynamics for over 30 years. She is a past president of the Broward Domestic Violence Council and past member of the Broward Child Abuse Death Review Committee. You can find out more at www.lifeabundantlyfree.org . If you would like her to speak or train, you can email her at drkate5020@gmail.com
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